You give a room full of depressed kids booze, you get a mess. A bloody fucking mess. And then, they just might sit a circle and sing Wake Up at the top of their lungs just for the fuck of it.
I drank too much, and now I am crying while on the couch while some guy kisses my neck, but his face is all blurred out.
"You seem distracted."
"Do I? I'm not......"
I am distracted though, because you don't mean shit to me, my eyes are focused on the ceiling because I'm trying to see whats behind it, and maybe it will rip off and I'll float upwards and you'll watch me go with a confused look and mutter "what the fuck?"
I realized that I can only attract the type of losers that you just have to grin and bare it with. The type of guys who sit around all day and who don't have any thoughts for art or good music, the kind of guys who aren't doing jack shit with their lives. And I try to convince myself that they 'aren't that bad..' but then I realize that they might as well be the tiny grey speck in my vision, because they don't mean shit to me. And then my beautiful friend, who I love, comes to visit, I am revisited by the tiny goblin of self-loathing and low self-esteem. And then I see my good friend with a boyfriend treating her like she doesn't mean anything and I realize that I don't want to worry about this shit anymore. I'm just gonna hang around like the tall bastard that I am and do my thing. If someone ends up appreciating that, awesome. If not, oh well...I'll buy myself a fucking dildo.
I spent all my money on a tattoo. I'm broke now, but I love getting stabbed too much.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey. Don't worry. I'll buy you a dildo.
ReplyDeleteClenching a bottle of vodka in between your thighs and screaming "our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up!"
ReplyDeleteWe lift the weights off our hearts by warming our bellies with spirits. It's an easy remedy to feeling exactly the same, but in a different way. A temporary lapse of reason and memory, we drown away what we're running from with our thirst for 100 proof. "Temporary", thats the catch, it only pushes things down into the stomach for so long before it surfaces again, like puke after too many glasses of aged scotch. In our attempt to forget, we always end up remembering, sometimes its clenching onto a couch cushion in the company of shallow men.
It's hard to tell entirely if you're post is of non fiction or metaphor, but considering there might be some truth to it, I have a few bits of spare change to drop into you're hat. I'm not one to take good advice, and my morals are pretty scattered, but what kind of a person feels like it's appropriate to put the moves on a fragile young girl whose intoxicated and has a heart so heavy she's driven to tears? I dont think that type of person is worth your air, let alone a nibble on the neck.
Being one who is incredibly discomforted with social situations, I know it's easier said than done, but maybe you should consider changing up the crowd you're associating it. It's humanly understandable to take peoples company out of loneliness, to "go with what you got", but when those people are going to add more insult to injury, I think it just might be better to be lonely and "safe".
Do yourself a solid, get yourself a dildo. You're way behind girl, I'm incredibly shocked that you are not well equip with an arsenal of deviant sexual and self pleasuring devices by now, especially at the withered and beat old age of twenty.
In the long run, you are capable of making it on you're own, or atleast I've been desperately trying to convince myself that. For now, just fucking do the Gina thing, your way, and if others are going to make it harder to survive comfortably, tell em to fuck off and you do youself the favor of fucking yourself (bean flickin', dildo chargin, shower head funtimes) if thats what you need.
So you got some new work done, eh? I'm jealous. I've had a severe case of the needle fever lately.
the guy in question was someone i had been talking to for a little while before I realized that he was a loser..but he didn't really catch on, and therefore, he thought it was okay to hook up with me that night. But while he was kissing me, I just had my eyes on the ceiling and that death cab song was playing in my head, because its true....he didn't mean a thing to me. It's harsh...but I'm a harsh fucking person. My friends are not associated with him either...don't worry, I wouldn't choose to hang out with a group of people like him....I'd probably shoot my face off.
ReplyDeletethis isn't fiction....maybe its a metaphor though...I don't know...I just write what comes into my head.
I guess I've just been at a point where I feel like no one understands me...yeah, its cliche and pre-teeny, but I dunno, I don't get taken seriously a lot of the time and when I get mad or something, I'm always made to feel like it was unjustified..its like I have to be how other people want me to be..but I refuse to do that so there's this barrier instead.
and my tattoo is SUPER nerdy, but justin did an awesome job as usual, im so glad you referred me to that guy.
Super nerdy tattoo on Gina Maune, no, not in a million years. I would never expect such a thing. You're a shit eatin liar! FUCKING LIAR! I'd very much so like to see you're new work. Justin is a good guy, I back him, glad he's keepin you happy.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard to spot a loser, but we get better with experience at sniffing them out. Don't be how other people want you be, you're a loser if you're somebody who tries to be something they are not. We're not in middle school, you don't need to "fit in" with anybody. Those kinda people dont really like you for who you are, and theres plenty of other people who will be grateful to have your company if you give them the chance. I know you know all this mumbo jumbo bullshit. I feel like I've started a redundant advice column on your blog, it's fucking ridiculous. Truth is, it's really easy to give people advice and then not take it yourself.
well..its not that they want me to be a certain way...its just that.....I dunno, they don't really understand how I work brainally....heh..I've always rode my own wave length though....even as a child..I had friends but there was all was something that was distant between me and everyone else. I dunno, Im a fucking weirdo. I miss you dan!
ReplyDeletei think theres a name for that, it's a socio-disorder called crazybitchbewacko syndrome, i think i might have that too, i kinda remember a psychiatrist telling me that, i miss you too, you cunt, ill be in yr hood in a week or two, drinkin away the parts of the day i can't sleep or work away
ReplyDelete"Too weird to live, too rare to die," - hunter s. thompson. he always makes me feel better when i feel misunderstood
that quote needs to be tattooed on my forehead.
ReplyDeletelets drink our pain out when you come back.