I shot a man in reno, just to watch him die.

Last night in my rum haze, I was reunited with people I hadn't thought of since middle school.

When I woke up this morning I was still drunk.

Sorry boss man, I don't have the ability to serve coffee with the caliber of cheerful good-health-ness that you want me to have today. I seem to have suffere

d a nasty bout of borderline alcohol poisoning, so can I be excused?

Too tired to be witty today.

I'm going to use needles to etch this into a piece of copper.