no really, it's fine..I didn't want to play it anyways.

A predictable pattern of making promises and plans and then forgetting or being too lazy.

I am a product of un-productivity.

Hopefully these drugs will inspire me.


sorry I'm such a shit head..

Shortly after composing the previous blog, I had some black guy thinking time and realized that I shouldn't need anyone but myself to feel beautiful

coffee=poop

As I sit here, my hands shake while I type. I had too much coffee this morning and my heart is racing. In this caffinated pattern, I know I have to poop but I can't seem to bring myself to awkwardly fill a public bathroom with the smell of left overs. My exhaustion will soon bring me to drink more coffee, enforcing the poo. I will give in to its call...

This pattern, this shaky feeling...I don't feel normal. I haven't felt like myself for the past week. Maybe it's my new step into the world of adulthood, the sudden change from "-teen" to two decades of being alive. I feel awkward in my own skin, I struggle to think of interesting things to say but they all come out wrong, I've lost my ability to communicate. This paranoia, this socially awkward tension that surrounds me, it is a common recurrence every few months. I go through these waves of altered self-conciousness. I feel pretty, no, no...you feel ugly now. I fear my growing dependence on alcohol to make me feel confident. Sure, it's only on the weekends..maybe even only on a friday or a saturday...but I can't help but enjoy the wittiness it gives me, the strength of that booze-sheild protecting me from defeat. I cry too much these days...my therapist looks at me like I'm a weirdo for crying when I think about other people giving me compliments. My words stumble and get stifled on their way out...I tense up. I'm happy though, despite these words. I just want everyone else to be happy too. I hope you are still happy.

This will make you happy, if you are not already:
http://www.zombo.com/


I want to be over this period of my life already. My catalogue for art center arrived... and it scared me but made me excited. I just keep asking myself...will I be good enough?

Well, will I?

I have officially been living for 2 decades.

It feels weird.

had an epiphany

realized that if I want to illustrate and draw for a living
that I need to be doing it constantly.

I'm going to try to fill up a notebook every month

To the place where they keep the imaginary diseases

Something I wrote when I should have been paying attention in anthropology class:

Are you happy with yourself?
Do you see what you've become and are you pleased?
You must enjoy this meaningless path you've chosen.
It's easy when all of your worries are fabricated, isn't it?

And what of your creations?
Have they not melted away along with your personality?
Is it easier when you have no use for your brain?
It was a burden anyways!
Maybe you can keep it in a jar once it's removed.
Put it on a chain and hang it around your neck, maybe you will start a new trend.
Can you picture it?
It's all the rage up there, isn't it?

And what of your personality?
Can we not cut it out and sew it up?
Mangle it and tear it until you have something to wear to that show on Friday.
Something that all your friends will adore.
They will be SO jealous.

And what of your sense of self?
You know, the thing that separates you from others?
Well we can just toss that aside.
Or maybe recycle it.
Cook it up and eat it. (It's vegan, right?)
It will give you the energy you need
While you drink cheap booze and pretend to be important.

I'm the same way, you know.
I used myself up a while ago and now I'm a hollow shell.
But that's okay because everyone loves me.
They all laugh at my jokes and respect my opinions.
They all wish to be me.
You'll get here soon enough, though. I swear.
I'll take you shopping, I know some great vintage places!
You have to trade your soul in to buy their clothes, but,
You weren't using it anyways, right?

Really, I hope you're happy. I really do.
________________________________________________

Here are somethings I've been making:



They aren't very impressive
But it's a start, again.





Lastly:
I know I'm a tad late to jump on this bandwagon
But I think the first exposure I had to his music scared me because it was so crazy. It was the craziest think I had ever heard.
I also think it's because I was played the extremely technical jazz stuff. Being someone who isn't a huge music nerd, it didn't appeal to me at all. (The person who was playing it WAS an extremely huge music nerd.)
But then I heard this album, and I love every second of it.
Also, every time I listen to it, I picture the entire thing as an epic cartoon.

I want to make this cartoon.

I lay awake sometimes
For one or two hours
I listen

I look over and see that little space between the mattress and your back
The cars outside are still driving
They fade in and out of my consciousness

I slide closer and turn on my side
T try to sink myself into the bed
As the ceiling fan mimics the sounds outside

Memories of the day continue to wash over me
I try to silence with by counting
A simple pattern

I put my hand on your arm and you are quietly sleeping

I want to constantly apologize
And I stumble over my words instead

I need to give myself a break

And I find my way to that space between the mattress and your back

I took some drugz.

I was in space and all of the fences were swaying back and forth as if in a breeze. "You're the one who's swaying." He said, so I ripped my at stockings to make sure that I still had skin underneath them. I did. I felt so primal and I didn't even know what cold was, yet my hands were growing numb as I slid them under the weeds. There were 3 radio towers that I could grab with my fingers but they were too busy with becoming stars. Then everything became purple and I needed 3d glasses in order to see correctly. "You're out of control."

My leg had then taken the form of a snake trapped in jeans so I ignored its wriggling and realized that I was way too big for the room I was standing in. My feet were long and my hands looked like pig hands. Then, as the walls swayed, santa clause came and sat next to me. "How are you?" He asked. "Your hair is grass. Your beard makes your face look amazing."
Santa clause was the creator of earth, I was the star mother, he was my lover. I was too big for the bed, which was breathing quite noticeably, and I hugged Santa clause and rubbed my face in his fresh, mossy hair. "I love you."

I ate feathers while everything was vibrating. My thoughts were thinking about other thoughts while I tried to think about them. I closed my eyes and saw a million faces with gnashing teeth.

Have you ever heard of breaking a bitch?

I am forcing myself to be creative.
My highness is making me hate everything I'm writing.


Anyways, I've been trying to settle my brain papers.


fuck it, I hate everything I am saying.
I am useless.

moving out in a month. maybe here, maybe there.

vicodin buzz



shrug

I'm a loser, baby.

car is totaled.
still no job.

just want to get drunk and not deal.
life was not meant for me....

update

...I think I've made myself think that I've run out of *interesting* things to say in the past couple of days. I just have been feeling so strained, and un-relaxed...I always feel nervous or like I'm doing something wrong....I do it to myself, mostly. Maybe if I hadn't been abused by the majority of the close friends I had when I was a kid, I wouldn't be so damn insecure these days...who knows......maybe I just need to blame others for my insecurity because I'm too insecure to blame myself. Ha, Brains.

On the upside, my classes this semester are EPIC in their awesomeness. I foresee myself learning a lot about...myself.

Also, the always charming and wonderful boyfriend of mine showed me a program much like illustrator only it's free. I know this isn't a new thing in the world, but it's damn new to me. It's funny how quickly I caught on to it though...like, almost immediately.

I guess here are some things I've been experimenting with..






they got pretty pixelated in the transition...so...ignore that..but, yeah...just some stuff. I never thought I'd have so much fun moving around little grey boxes...

cutting out the fat

i think it's about time to sort through the storage and let some things go
maybe i'll give them away so that they can go and find a new adventure.
sad as it may be, it's kind of that time.
it's been that time for a while, now.

of course you know by now that i like to speak metaphorically.

I guess I'm a little bit depressed
I look at this painting I'm trying to finish, and I don't know how to finish it
Maybe its a metaphor or something
I don't want to be in this house anymore, I think that's part of it. I hate living here. I feel like my head could be chopped off any second. I almost wish she actually will kick me out sometimes. I'm jobless, I'll end up on the streets...but at least I'll be outside, at least my life would be an adventure.
I just really want to drive somewhere far away
and sleep in my car and get out and feel the harsh cold or heat...either one.
I feel like I'll just stay here, I'll remain stationary and never see anything else of this country I live in or the world I live in. I don't know what I want.
I want to find a goddamn job so I can get out of this fucking house.
I hate this fucking house.

oh, another day of feeling inadequate
of feeling like I'm letting life just kind of get away from me
because I'm stuck in between school and finding a job
and after I'm done with school I'll work
and I won't have accomplished anything or done anything amazing
and then I'll die and it'll be like I was never here in the first place.

I didn't ask to be here, you know. Being a human being wasn't some huge desire for me..in fact, I'd say it was a rather involuntary thing. I didn't go up to some great decider and get down on my hands and knees and say "Oh, please please please let me be on earth and live with the hairless two-legged creatures there!" They didn't tell me, "Well, I'll let you be a human being but only if you're willing to put up with the bullshit and the unfairness that life brings! Sure, there will be some really nice things mixed in there..but for the most part it's going to be painful and hard as hell!" and I didn't say, "Oh yes! I would love to do that!" I never agreed to any of this or signed any contract. Let me get a hold of my lawyer, Life, because I believe you owe me some reparations. This involuntary act of living should be paved with glitter and gold and everything should be fucking handed to us because we did not ask to be here in the first goddamn place.




April fired me.
I hope her asshole stops working and her eyes fall out.

When I was little, my mom would call me into the living room, "Gina, you have to watch this!" and on the screen, there would be this crazy guy dressed in a grey suit and red bow-tie talking to a chair. I was so drawn to it, the old cartoons..even the crazy instructional videos from the 60s...and as I got older and understood more of the 'mature' jokes...it still remained a core part growing up for me...screaming at the secret word every morning or trying to make ice cream soup... never did I think I was going to get to relive those moments some 13 years later. Being in a room where other people shared the same experiences as I had was even greater...everything about it was amazing. And afterwards, when the adorible shy little boy walked right up to peewee and gave him a hug, it was as if the hug was from all of us. I know this is sappy and gay but to see an icon who everyone thought had been gone forever and then see a room full of people, young and old, who had grown up with him, shouting "we love you, peewee!" shows that he will totally live on for generations. Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.

took shrooms last night at some party
it was like my brain had been reversed back into child-state
everything was amazing
and even though i was in this hot bubble of crowded rooms and people talking about nothing in particular
i wasn't really a part of my body
my head was at the ceiling
the beautiful thing was was that I wasn't really hallucinating either
everything was just gorgeous in its own precious way.






seeing peewee's play house. live. today.

be jealous.

I am too weak
and so I fall in love
and then I realize how in love I am
and then it starts to burn
so I rub on some cooling cream
and try to ignore it
but it's never going away
because I am too vulnerable
to love.

was a fish

i wish i could drink you in forever.i wish i was less hairy and stinky.i wish spiders wouldn't land on my face.i wish girls that are prettier than me didn't make me feel like i was hideous.i wish i knew more about music.i wish i knew more about books.i wish i less loud.i wish i had a million dollars.i wish i knew what i want to do when i grow up.i wish my mom was easier to get along with.i wish that in society, it would be normal for 'morning' to actually begin at 11am..and not when the sun comes up.i wish that sleeping all day didn't make me feel like crap.i wish you would leave your comments in your pocket.i wish that relationships could stay like the first month forever.i wish it wasn't so cold at night, so leaving my boyfriends warm, un-empty bed to walk to my car and leave would be slightly less unbearable.i wish my boobs were just a tiny bit bigger.i wish i was more athletic.i wish i could still look good without make up on.i wish i was paler.i wish i could get another tattoo.i wish i could've met kurt vonnegut before he passed.i wish that everything didn't make me feel like crying.i wish that i could relive my childhood knowing what i know now (mom, no nintendo?! wtf!).i wish the beatles could last forever.i wish you would tell me why you love me.i wish i could fly.i wish i could breathe underwater.i wish i was stupid, and therefore, happier.i wish the knuckle bones on my fingers weren't so wide.i wish i could grow out my nails.i wish i had pink hair.i wish my hair would grow faster.i wish showering wasn't so nessecary.i wish i could stop so i could go to sleep.i wish i didn't have math tomorrow for the first time in 3 years.i wish my life was better without having to wish for so many things.i wish i read more.i wish i could be alive in the 60s and 70s.i wish people thought tim and eric was funnier.i wish i could play guitar.i wish i could just watch you play guitar forever.i wish i didn't get so tonuge tied about telling you how awesome i think you are.i wish jessica lived in la, she is the only one who has seen the ugliest of me to the prettiest of me, and lived to tell about it.i wish i wasn't still worried about there being spiders in my bed.i wish i could do something amazing.i wish plans worked out more.i wish i could go hiking more.i wish swimming in the ocean didn't make my eyes and my nostrils burn after a while.i wish i could write better.i wish that i had to stop because i ran out of things to wish about and not because i really need to be asleep right now.

I am going to move out.




my mom is a crazy person.