Head!

How come everyone is going north? How come everyone is going, for that matter? I'm slightly jealous, I suppose....I've always secretly wanted to run away somewhere new..

I guess I'm just frustrated.

rutrutrut.

Oh the things you will see!

This past year...


we finally stole that sandwich....




I wasted way too much time...

I made a hard decision and said goodbye to someone..

I got drunk. really really drunk.

I learned something new..
I made new frend..

I chopped all my hair off..

I nerded the FUCK out..I galavandered around with crazy people..

I turned into a unicorn, a zombie and a gaga
I made a few mistakes....(and went camping)
I mustached

I finally met my mortal enemy..
I showed up at shows..
We got crackin' at disneyland
We got obnoxious with a guitar
I met someone and started something wonderful..
Peace out '09

EELS!

There is absolutely no double meaning or anger behind the words I have written.

"If you think I'm tired today, wait until you see me tomorrow."
-lisa's mom


I am in Palm Springs.
Father/daughter vacation extravaganza!
I found out that we have something in common, this evening.
I inherited something from him, something that wrestles around our brain meats. Anxiety of sorts, I suppose. We both have these worries that creep up every once in a while.
For me, its whenever I'm close with someone. I become the overly jealous friend, or the too sensitive girlfriend. I will sometimes lay awake at night and think
and think
and worry
and think.
I know its crazy though, this is the catch. I know I'm being overly dramatic, I know I worry way too much over things that don't matter, and yet I can't stop it from happening, no matter how much I resist.
And this makes me depressed.
Until of course, it all goes away. Seriously, there will be times where I'm completely fine and relaxed and not anxious about anything unreasonable, and those times will go on for a while, making me believe that I've some how gotten over it all. But then it'll come back in one way or another and it'll make me sabotage good things or get upset pointlessly.
So I have these two beasts, one being a PMS monster, having only a few days left before the flood gates open, and so I'm sort of a wreck, finding solace in constantly picking away at my cuticles.
I should probably seek professional help.
But I've never been able to trust those people or their wood paneled rooms.




Oh, I scribbled this the other day:
All over your body.


Also, this guy is on a magazine cover in this hotel room.
He's funny.


"And I thank you for your attention, and I'm out of here."
-K.V.

I keep having these dreams...

where this person keeps showing up
someone I've stopped talking to and hope to never see again
and in them, I'm always extremely angry
and I just want my painting back
and my time
and energy
because of how I had wasted it.
It's just weird because of how over it I am, and yet it keeps showing up every time I sleep.


My mom got me these Carrol, Anderson and Grimm fairy tale books that were her fathers from the 1930s and 40s and gave them to me. They smell amazing. I can't wait to read them.

These guys are my current project
they're on tiny canvases that only cost 2 dollars
needless to say, I'm going to make a huge amount


something about human mouths are hilarious...









something about the rain
just makes being
in love
even better

a call to arms and feets

You
need to get over that self conscious, low esteem bullshit you've been pulling for about 6 years now
You need to realize
that you found something incredible
and you need to hold the fuck onto it
because what you're doing will push it all away eventually
and if that happens
you will regret it for the rest of your life
stop being blind
and see
that the differences in music or knowledge or whatever the fuck it is
don't fucking matter deep down
to anyone
so stop being so selfish
stop yourself from constantly wishing for more
you've already got it and you KNOW this
you hear it EVERY DAY.
so stop with the pity party
slap yourself in the face a few times
and dust your knees off
and open your goddamn eyes
and see

I am what you would call.......

I'm sorry that sometimes I say things that don't sound true.
Because the truth of the matter is, I want to see you every single day.
This is just very hard for me to tell you
without stumbling over my words
or sounding fake.
I should have warned you about this in the first place. It's this thing my brain has;
The more I like someone
The more nervous and awkward they make me.
And sometimes, just as I being to think I've gotten over this,it'll fall out of my brain like a fresh turdlet.
And I only hope that you're still willing to stick around after I've cleaned the mess up.









ps. look at my HOT ASS ms paint skillz. DAYEM.

Monster moth man.
His mustache is great.

things that go through my head when I'm at parties.

"I wonder how many beards there are in this room at this exact moment. NO wait....this whole house."

"I hope this isn't an 'everyone stands outside' party because it's really cold and my outfit which took me 20 minutes to pick out isn't 'standing outside' proof."

"Where is the couch so I can sit in a corner and invisibly judge everyone all night?"

"This beer is disgusting."

"I wonder if she actually likes that dress aesthetically or if it's an ironic thing? Is this whole party an ironic thing?"

"Ohh, please don't talk to me...yes I know I'm standing in this circle, yes I know my friend knows all of you, but I just don't have the energy to put my party mask on right now."


And, it was only after I had hastily downed the first half of my second crappy beer, observed the people standing around me and looked back down at my ironic Burt Reynolds t-shirt and poop colored cardigan sweater that I realized that I was just like EVERYONE ELSE.
I then sighed a sigh of disappointment and shame and went back to staring at my beer.
It's no goddamn use.
I am a hypocrite, one whom finds herself in awkward situations and as a barrier, mentally talks shit about everyone else. But I am the same goddamn thing anyways. I'm just really good at wearing my mask.
It is a wonder, sometimes to me, that anyone would like me in the first place.


this is how I knew:

The devious adventures

This is for the dude I love.
We were arguing about ghosts.
And so I drew it. (my legs dont actually do that)

I'm gonna do a whole series of our adventures.

Next up: us+dinosaurs.

I lost that art contest.
I know I shouldn't feel bad at all, the judge was totally biased
but some how, I feel like a bit of a failbot.

I guess that's about it.

bullet points

so
I've been trying to accomplish something
just SOMETHING to give me a little recognition
to remind myself that I am not completely worthless

so I spent the last of my dollars on submitting art pieces to some bullshit contest
too bad I'm not completely full of myself and willing to churn out piles of (while still perfectly executed) self-indulgent, meaningless crap or else maybe I'd have a good shot at winning something.
I read a few poems for a slam at school, and I keep thinking about them and about how much they sucked and how embarrassed I now am because of that.


I'm going to try to start writing and/or illustrating childrens books, hopefully with the help of Johanna, we can collaborate on something. eventually. I like kids, I want to help them, and maybe show them how beautiful the world can be, despite all the unforgiving, hard-to-comprehend stuff.

I think I got my mom to back off on all her crap now, so maybe JUST maybe I can start living my own life and not one that she insists on parenting every step of the way.

On a more metaphorical note:
It is sad, how people drift apart. I guess you should be thankful for the time you had in the past, but it is crazy how you think you're so close to a person and could never get over being apart from them one day, and then suddenly its something that just happens before you even care to notice it. But (seeing as it is thanksgiving), I suppose we should be thankful for the time our paths were crossing, for the moments we walked together, and do nothing more than hug and wave goodbye as they start getting further apart. Godspeed.

well I suppose, I should make known the person who is gracing my vagina with his presence..
okay so we don't just have sex
we also make fun of stupid people
and play video games
and eat sandwiches.
and sometimes we stand in endless 2d planes of existence with explosions and sound effects and mustaches and unicorn horns. Here is one of those times:
and I don't care if he gets me sick (or plays klax)
or that we have to pay for sushi with change because we're both too poor
because I appreciate everything about him
and because sometimes we say 'i love you'
and that's all that matters.
/gay



footnote: I apparently can only draw crappy sketches nowadays. I apparently suck ass.

and my room smells like A1 steak sauce. (It's my lube)

There is nothing more frustrating than wanting to paint but not having any ideas that are worth while.

I am pissed at myself. completely livid.
I am feeling untalented and worthless.
and despite the fact that I jacked myself up on adderall today
I still feel like punching a hole through a wall.



I'm sorry, my blog is bullshit now.

What if the world was made of pudding?

I feel that everyone needs to watch this at one point or another. Its the most wonderful thing I've seen on this expansive thing we call the internet. I want to raise my kids like this, I think everyone should. The message is so beautiful and harsh and wonderful and not to mention the animation reminds me of old cartoons which gives me a bonner. I just keep watching it over and over..

Ps. The girl who assisted in making this video is named Kristen Lepore and she is wonderful! look at her awesome creations.....they make me want to get into animation...
but i have way too many goddamn hobbies as it is.



Yesterday, my Holga died. I had left it on the roof of my car to free some hand space and I had forgotten about it. As I drove away, it plummeted to its death. It was a very sad day indeed.
(but thank *insert random god here* that it wasnt my 35mm camera which my life is dependent upon...)



R.I.P good times, holga.

(I'm gonna buy a holgaroid and a blackbird anyways >< teehee!!)
SPEAKING OF ROIDS: Polaroids return in 2010
LET US REJOICE!


I am having an in between time, right now.
I don't know if I'm really happy or still depressed. It seems like I'm really happy. It seems that way.
I also don't know what to listen to anymore. Music is all jumbled to me, I love it, but it is so distorted right now.
I don't know what keeps me at ease right now. I'm coasting, and I feel like I'm about to smack my face in a big wall. Maybe my art sucks really badly and I just don't know it because no one other than my friends and family have seen it. Maybe I'm about to fuck in some huge way. Whenever my life seems like its getting better, this huge spike of crap comes up from the ground and impales me.

I promise I'll write some more stuff that isn't whining crap soon. Or paint something. I promise.



Listening to:

Her voice make me cream in my ear pussy. And my pants one, too.