I guess I'm a little bit depressed
I look at this painting I'm trying to finish, and I don't know how to finish it
Maybe its a metaphor or something
I don't want to be in this house anymore, I think that's part of it. I hate living here. I feel like my head could be chopped off any second. I almost wish she actually will kick me out sometimes. I'm jobless, I'll end up on the streets...but at least I'll be outside, at least my life would be an adventure.
I just really want to drive somewhere far away
and sleep in my car and get out and feel the harsh cold or heat...either one.
I feel like I'll just stay here, I'll remain stationary and never see anything else of this country I live in or the world I live in. I don't know what I want.
I want to find a goddamn job so I can get out of this fucking house.
I hate this fucking house.

oh, another day of feeling inadequate
of feeling like I'm letting life just kind of get away from me
because I'm stuck in between school and finding a job
and after I'm done with school I'll work
and I won't have accomplished anything or done anything amazing
and then I'll die and it'll be like I was never here in the first place.

I didn't ask to be here, you know. Being a human being wasn't some huge desire for me..in fact, I'd say it was a rather involuntary thing. I didn't go up to some great decider and get down on my hands and knees and say "Oh, please please please let me be on earth and live with the hairless two-legged creatures there!" They didn't tell me, "Well, I'll let you be a human being but only if you're willing to put up with the bullshit and the unfairness that life brings! Sure, there will be some really nice things mixed in there..but for the most part it's going to be painful and hard as hell!" and I didn't say, "Oh yes! I would love to do that!" I never agreed to any of this or signed any contract. Let me get a hold of my lawyer, Life, because I believe you owe me some reparations. This involuntary act of living should be paved with glitter and gold and everything should be fucking handed to us because we did not ask to be here in the first goddamn place.




April fired me.
I hope her asshole stops working and her eyes fall out.

When I was little, my mom would call me into the living room, "Gina, you have to watch this!" and on the screen, there would be this crazy guy dressed in a grey suit and red bow-tie talking to a chair. I was so drawn to it, the old cartoons..even the crazy instructional videos from the 60s...and as I got older and understood more of the 'mature' jokes...it still remained a core part growing up for me...screaming at the secret word every morning or trying to make ice cream soup... never did I think I was going to get to relive those moments some 13 years later. Being in a room where other people shared the same experiences as I had was even greater...everything about it was amazing. And afterwards, when the adorible shy little boy walked right up to peewee and gave him a hug, it was as if the hug was from all of us. I know this is sappy and gay but to see an icon who everyone thought had been gone forever and then see a room full of people, young and old, who had grown up with him, shouting "we love you, peewee!" shows that he will totally live on for generations. Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.

took shrooms last night at some party
it was like my brain had been reversed back into child-state
everything was amazing
and even though i was in this hot bubble of crowded rooms and people talking about nothing in particular
i wasn't really a part of my body
my head was at the ceiling
the beautiful thing was was that I wasn't really hallucinating either
everything was just gorgeous in its own precious way.






seeing peewee's play house. live. today.

be jealous.

I am too weak
and so I fall in love
and then I realize how in love I am
and then it starts to burn
so I rub on some cooling cream
and try to ignore it
but it's never going away
because I am too vulnerable
to love.

was a fish

i wish i could drink you in forever.i wish i was less hairy and stinky.i wish spiders wouldn't land on my face.i wish girls that are prettier than me didn't make me feel like i was hideous.i wish i knew more about music.i wish i knew more about books.i wish i less loud.i wish i had a million dollars.i wish i knew what i want to do when i grow up.i wish my mom was easier to get along with.i wish that in society, it would be normal for 'morning' to actually begin at 11am..and not when the sun comes up.i wish that sleeping all day didn't make me feel like crap.i wish you would leave your comments in your pocket.i wish that relationships could stay like the first month forever.i wish it wasn't so cold at night, so leaving my boyfriends warm, un-empty bed to walk to my car and leave would be slightly less unbearable.i wish my boobs were just a tiny bit bigger.i wish i was more athletic.i wish i could still look good without make up on.i wish i was paler.i wish i could get another tattoo.i wish i could've met kurt vonnegut before he passed.i wish that everything didn't make me feel like crying.i wish that i could relive my childhood knowing what i know now (mom, no nintendo?! wtf!).i wish the beatles could last forever.i wish you would tell me why you love me.i wish i could fly.i wish i could breathe underwater.i wish i was stupid, and therefore, happier.i wish the knuckle bones on my fingers weren't so wide.i wish i could grow out my nails.i wish i had pink hair.i wish my hair would grow faster.i wish showering wasn't so nessecary.i wish i could stop so i could go to sleep.i wish i didn't have math tomorrow for the first time in 3 years.i wish my life was better without having to wish for so many things.i wish i read more.i wish i could be alive in the 60s and 70s.i wish people thought tim and eric was funnier.i wish i could play guitar.i wish i could just watch you play guitar forever.i wish i didn't get so tonuge tied about telling you how awesome i think you are.i wish jessica lived in la, she is the only one who has seen the ugliest of me to the prettiest of me, and lived to tell about it.i wish i wasn't still worried about there being spiders in my bed.i wish i could do something amazing.i wish plans worked out more.i wish i could go hiking more.i wish swimming in the ocean didn't make my eyes and my nostrils burn after a while.i wish i could write better.i wish that i had to stop because i ran out of things to wish about and not because i really need to be asleep right now.

I am going to move out.




my mom is a crazy person.